Chapter 21

Richie let her hands go and stood, pacing away from her and back again.  They knew each other too damn well if she could read him that easily.  How could he describe it to her though?  How could he explain the guilt, the feeling of disappointment he knew would come from talking to Jon?  To any of them?  “I’m not afraid of anything.”

‘You know,” she cocked her head and looked at him, “I think that’s the first time you ever really lied to me.”  She stood and crossed to him, unwilling to keep circling around this issue anymore.  “I’m going to go check on Lily.  When you’re ready to tell me the truth, come find me.”  She stepped around him and reached for the doorknob.

He closed his eyes, huffed out a sigh.  Fuck.  “Wait.”  He had to tell her.  This was becoming a festering thing between them and he hated it.  It was time to lance the boil that this disagreement between them had become before it infected their relationship any further.  And it was on him to do it. 

She paused, “what?”

He ran an agitated hand through his hair.  “I put them through so much shit in the last buncha years.  I just figured the phone call to Paul and an email to Jon would be easier…” he trailed off.

Stephanie didn’t turn from the door, they stood, back to back.  “Easier for who?”

He turned then.  “You don’t know what I put them through, what they did for me.”  When she still didn’t turn, he continued, “you only know what we let you see, Sweetheart.  They never woulda admitted to how big a pain in their asses I was, publicly.  And I was a bigger ass than you can imagine.  The pills, the booze, I let it take over everything.  And they put up with it.  And the times when I was sober enough to really see them?  The disappointment that lurked in their eyes had me hitting the bottle even harder.  

I hated what I was putting them through, but I couldn’t see to get myself out of it.  And the more I told myself I could stop anytime, the more I reckless I became.  And they never wavered.  They all stood by me, true enough, but they were also disappointed in me, in the way I chose to deal with everything and they were right to.  I was so screwed up I could hardly get myself out of bed and dressed without a drink or a pill and a drink to wash it down.” 

He reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder, looking for that little bit of understanding from her.  His rock, his sounding board, his everything.

She turned to face him, eyes drenched, tearstains on her cheeks.  She remembered all too well the Unplugged special they did right as Lost Highway was coming out.  He sat on a stool the entire time, could barely get through the songs.  She still couldn’t re-watch it.  Just the thought of it hurt her now as it had back then.  “As a fan I saw the struggle, the brave face you put on to hide what you were going through.  You weren’t hiding it as well as you may have thought.  We, my friends and I, knew you were hurting and it broke our hearts.  We also know the guys stood by you through all that shit and you turned all that around.  At least we thought you did.”

He dipped his head to find her eyes, “I did for a bit and after a while I figured I was doing well enough I could handle one drink.  Just to be social, you know?  But then one, turned into two, turned into a bottle.  I let them down, again.  I had to leave yet another tour and do another stint in another facility.  You know, you were there for that one.”

She reached out, took his hands, “I know.  I also know that those men would lay down their lives for you, as you would for any one of them. They are the closest thing to brothers you’ve ever had and yet you felt it was okay to just walk away.  They were there for you during the absolute worst time in your life.  You need to face them and their disappointment.  You can’t let it end like this.”

He pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her.  Her tears were killing him. He hated that his words, his choices, made her cry. “You’re right, I know you’re right, it’s just hard for me to swallow all this pride and go back to them, hat in hand and tell them ‘I’m sorry I fucked up’ yet again.  I hate that I keep letting them down.”

She sniffed back her tears, “I have to believe they’ll understand once you explain yourself to them.”

His lips grazed her forehead.  “Once again, you’re probably right.  Does it ever get tiring?”

Amusement danced around her lips, “not in the least.”

He smiled and hugged her tight, “I’m sorry, Sweetheart.”

Drained, she rested her head against his chest, let his heartbeat soothe her.  “It’s not me you have to apologize to.”

“Sure I did.  And I know I have another one to make.  And I will” he added when she raised her eyes to his, “I promise.” 

To lighten the mood, he took her hand and eyed all the bags on the bed again, “will you still be my date for the Derby?”

She followed his gaze, “since I seem to have bought a Derby-worthy wardrobe, I’d be an idiot to say no.”

They left the room together, “but did you get the most important Derby item?”

She mentally ran through her purchases, “most important item?  I guess I’m not sure what you mean.”

They stopped at Lily’s room and peeked in, she was in her bed, surrounded by all her friends, napping peacefully.  Stephanie went in and adjusted her blanket before she and Richie continued down the stairs.

“You had to have bought a hat, right” he asked her as they rounded the corner into the kitchen.  “You can’t go to the Derby and not wear a hat, Sweetheart.”

She laughed and moved across the room to the refrigerator.  “Oh, I got a hat and the most perfect dress for the Derby.  I can’t wait to wear it.”

Richie’s phone chimed, interrupting their banter.  He glanced down at the screen and back up at her.  “It’s Jon.”

“Talk to him Rich.  Get it done.”  She kissed his cheek as she wandered past him to the doors and out to the patio to give him some privacy.

A finger swipe later, Jon’s voice was in his ear. “Hey.”

Richie inhaled deeply and let the breath out, “hey man, got a minute to talk?”